Don’t Make Me Slap You

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Some people pray for world peace, a kiss from the love of their life or ten million dollars and I’m sitting here praying for a human sized fly swatter to slap 95% of humanity all in one swing. Anyone who knows me knows that my facial expressions always give away exactly what I’m thinking. For a second, I wondered if I should try and not make faces at people to spare their feelings. Then, I laughed and went to get a starbucks frappachino. I’m not one of those people who pretend that everyone is amazing. I would love to hit most people with a broom in broad daylight as a favor to society. Happy Holidays! Have you ever overheard something and it actually hurt not to react? I don’t have that problem. This #BitchyTuesdays blog is a collection of gifs representing my face to things I’ve heard people say this month that I’ve documented for your pure pleasure. Enjoy.

“I popped my cherry on a bicycle in the 4th grade”

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I hope you two live happily ever after. Will you always remember when you laid eyes on each other in aisle 7 of Target?

“My mom told me I’m the best looking person in this family”

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Are you related to Shrek? Your mom lied.

“I’m addicted to my Xbox, my family considered me addicted and I had to go to counseling for my video game addiction”

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I wouldn’t admit that to people because someday the only thing that you’ll be humping in the future is the remote control.

“Am I ever going to find a man that will love and accept me for who I am?”

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Keep dreaming, sweetie. Camel toe is not an accessory.

“He asked me if he could pee on me”

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You are a strong independent black woman, not a urinal.

“I know it’s weird but I have a third nipple and that’s never going to change”

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Believe in the power of prayer and dollars to get that removed.

“Movie night at my house means 10 different positions quietly while my parents are in the next room”

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*Speed dials your mother and father and planned parent hood*

“I had sex with a guy I met at a bar who was missing a tooth. He bought me 4 beers and told me I was pretty, what was I supposed to do?”

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I’m coming after you, girl and you better run.

“I’ve been with a girl whose vagina looked and felt like pie and a girl whose vagina looked and felt like a Lean Cuisine Lasagna”

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On that note……. thank god I’m a raging homosexual.

“My mom saw the insurance bill and found out I had chlamydia”

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Time for a life change and possibly a new identity. 

“I queefed on the treadmill. I didn’t hear it because I had headphones on, everyone else did.”

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Jesus did NOT die for this.

Fan of the Week: Screen shot 2013-12-10 at 12.04.03 PM

 

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