Some people pray for world peace, a kiss from the love of their life or ten million dollars and I’m sitting here praying for a human sized fly swatter to slap 95% of humanity all in one swing. Anyone who knows me knows that my facial expressions always give away exactly what I’m thinking. For a second, I wondered if I should try and not make faces at people to spare their feelings. Then, I laughed and went to get a starbucks frappachino. I’m not one of those people who pretend that everyone is amazing. I would love to hit most people with a broom in broad daylight as a favor to society. Happy Holidays! Have you ever overheard something and it actually hurt not to react? I don’t have that problem. This #BitchyTuesdays blog is a collection of gifs representing my face to things I’ve heard people say this month that I’ve documented for your pure pleasure. Enjoy.
“I popped my cherry on a bicycle in the 4th grade”
I hope you two live happily ever after. Will you always remember when you laid eyes on each other in aisle 7 of Target?
“My mom told me I’m the best looking person in this family”
Are you related to Shrek? Your mom lied.
“I’m addicted to my Xbox, my family considered me addicted and I had to go to counseling for my video game addiction”
I wouldn’t admit that to people because someday the only thing that you’ll be humping in the future is the remote control.
“Am I ever going to find a man that will love and accept me for who I am?”
Keep dreaming, sweetie. Camel toe is not an accessory.
“He asked me if he could pee on me”
You are a strong independent black woman, not a urinal.
“I know it’s weird but I have a third nipple and that’s never going to change”
Believe in the power of prayer and dollars to get that removed.
“Movie night at my house means 10 different positions quietly while my parents are in the next room”
*Speed dials your mother and father and planned parent hood*
“I had sex with a guy I met at a bar who was missing a tooth. He bought me 4 beers and told me I was pretty, what was I supposed to do?”
I’m coming after you, girl and you better run.
“I’ve been with a girl whose vagina looked and felt like pie and a girl whose vagina looked and felt like a Lean Cuisine Lasagna”
On that note……. thank god I’m a raging homosexual.
“My mom saw the insurance bill and found out I had chlamydia”
Time for a life change and possibly a new identity.
“I queefed on the treadmill. I didn’t hear it because I had headphones on, everyone else did.”
Jesus did NOT die for this.